Jokes
Hell’s Bonk-itchen
Tuesday, April 21st, 2009 | Celebrity Sex, Jokes, Lifestyle | No Comments
CUNNING Anthea Turner has vowed to sabotage her husband’s Hell’s Kitchen team by BONKING him into exhaustion.
The ex-Blue Peter presenter and hubby Grant Bovey were split into separate teams on Sunday.
Anthea, 48, immediately told her new team-mates: “Don’t worry — I know how to take my husband’s batteries out and render him useless the next day.”
She added: “Needs must — this is a competition!”
And property developer Grant, 48, claimed his wife’s scheme was already working.
He told his team’s leader Ms Dynamite, 27: “We bonked all night — it was nothing to do with me.
“It was just tactics on her part.
She was just trying to wear me out so I can’t think — and it’s worked.”
Grant later said he was joking — perhaps to spare his wife’s blushes.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/article2386618.ece
Baked Beans Full Of Gas!
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008 | Jokes | No Comments
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans..
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas..
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returne d and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.�
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: “Happy Birthday!”
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blow Job Jumping Blonde!
Monday, August 25th, 2008 | Jokes | No Comments
A bloke goes out for a walk and sees a fit blonde on the cliff edge.
“Are you going to jump?”
“yeah” replies the blonde
“Before you jump would you give me a blow job?
“OK” and the blonde gives him the best blow job he has ever had.
“I Can’t believe with talent like that you would want to kill yourself!”
“I know but my parents just can’t accept me dressing like a girl”
OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!
Monday, August 25th, 2008 | Jokes | No Comments
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, Then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first With both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbour?’
The old man replied: ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’